Well in my school, today we had a ‘Personality Development Talk’. First of all, let me just state that it’s impossible to develop one’s personality from a ‘talk’, one must need experience to realize his or her true personality. Second of all, that ‘talk’ just made me feel like shit, literally. It’s main going was to boost self-esteem and self-confidence, don’t forget self-love and self-appreciation too!
Why I felt like shit?
Thing is, I don’t have all those. I am not gifted with those values, virtues or whatever you would call it. Everything that was discussed today was like a shot right through the heart, it hurts a lot you know. The speaker who was a mother of 4 and a beauty specialist or so I remembered, talked about all most everything I am insecure about. I was right in front of the people who did not know such side of me too, who knew that I am depressed. I felt crying and so did some of my people who knew my somewhat my situation. Some people from my batch even cried, see it affected so much people, so much.
The ‘best’ part was the part wherein there was an open forum, that was the shittest part of my whole talk. Sense the sarcasm back there? I have respect to those who shared a, well, brief generalization of their own problems. Some spoke about friends, insecurities, and others but what really affected me most was the part when two people opened up about parents and the past.
I still remember her words, “What if the biggest threat or bully in your life was my parents?”. When she opened that up, I just couldn’t handle that anymore. You know what I did? I excused myself to go to the washroom and calm myself. I was so close to having a panic attack, and I was so close to crying. I am not very comfortable with my parents anymore, plus that I am the only child. Recently, there isn’t even a day wherein we don’t fight or argue. Oh, don’t worry it’s not like I am physically abused but more of verbally – like they say “words can hurt more than actions”.
When the other opened up in front of her past, this is just my situation. She said something “I know I have done many mistakes in the past, and those mistakes have hurt the people I’ve loved: my family, friends, and others”. This is exactly my situation. I, too, have done so much mistakes than it cannot be countable anymore. All of them have hurt the people whom I love and whom I had loved me at that time. Right before my eyes, I saw the people whom I love and treasured disappear and leave me. But I know they had the right to. I will admit that ever since I was young, my dad would bring home is anger towards someone else at home. He’d drop his things loudly on the table, slam the door and even raise his voice at me. Over the years, I’ve learned to defend myself by raising my voice. Hell, even my mom did so … but at me. Now, just the tiniest signal of them having a possibility of raising their voice at me, I instantly shout. I get defensive, I get it. And every time I do, it just gets worst. I can’t do anything, it’s an automatic response already.
That are the reasons for me feeling shitty the rest of the day. Not only was I affected but many, many more. All I that was left for me to do was to act that I was ‘fine’. I had to laugh it of for the same of others. I had to push everything down to help and cheer on others. That’s all I do, in the midst of sadness all I can do is laugh.