I can’t blame the world for the day being so crappy and all. I can’t blame God because he’s not here, in this world surrounded with humans that have a mind of their own. I can’t blame my pets because I don’t have one. I can’t blame my friends because they weren’t even there. There’s a lot of reason of whom not to blame yet some people still do. All I can simply say that this day was crappy because of me, and no one else.
Let me state that I will admit that I have stayed ’till 2 am, in a school day. Obviously, this would eventually end up with me waking up late and rushing. Thank god thought, I wasn’t late in school. Every day in the car, my parents always make it a thing that they have to pinpoint all the issues they have with me. Wouldn’t that be fun? All issues being pinpointed at you everyday of your fucking existence, so far. Don’t forget that this is in the morning, before going to school. Funny, eh? Sense my sarcasm? But yes, that happens daily. Do I get tired of it? Fucking yes. Do I want to escape from it? Fucking yes. But what made that particular morning horribly shitty is that my dad, thankfully reminded me of something I’d like to forget and never remember and dwell on. Yes, it was a foolish mistake. I was careless and stupid. I can’t do anything now but move on. Sadly, moving on doesn’t work on me so I resolve to ignorance.
Have you ever gotten the feeling of ‘Yes! It’s over. I’m over it. I’ve forgotten it’ and you start to actually move on. In reality, you aren’t. Then one day, someone reminds you of this ‘thing’ you’ve wanted to forget. You start feeling all shitty and crappy just like before. That was how I felt, don’t forget it was in the morning too! Thanks to that I’ve been tipping over the edge. You know the feeling that you’re on the edge, always having your guard up and observing. But I’m talking about already tipping, meaning showing weakness in front of others whom you’d want to hide from. So basically the whole day I had a feeling of that, and the fact of almost having a panic attack.
I know I’m not the only one in school who’s going through a lot, and apparently I had to help out some people. Yes, I actually tried to help people with me feeling the tipping over the edge thing. There was a lot that happened but I’ll just state one that was about to give me a panic attack.
It was close to dismissal and my class had the period to ourselves. The teachers were busy deliberating for our grades since report card giving is tomorrow, and there was no given task at hand. Suddenly, a friend from another classroom noticed that an acquaintance of mine was crying. As she went closer, she dashed out of my room and got a paper bag from her classroom because she herself gets panic attacks more frequently. My friend and I did out best to calm her down, and eventually she did. We pushed her to saying what triggered her. Her reply was suicide. The reason she is an acquaintance of mine is because she may be depressed and suicide but it feels like she’s looking for attention. I try my best not to judge, so instead of bullying her I try and avoid her. I asked her to give me thousands of reasons why she wanted to die, but in the end she couldn’t. I gave her two reasons to live: family and friends. I’ve been there so many times but I try my best to pull myself out of it. I somewhat know what she’s going through and I explained to her.
If you are reading this post now and until this very part. Thank you for taking your precious time on this. If you are ever suicidal or depressed, even problems with someone, what the heck, even have friends who are such. Listen, read, and understand my words which I type. Suicide is not the answer. If you see life as shitty or cruel or just worse that those, I know it is. But remember this too, it isn’t all that. I’ve seen friends who’s gone through so much things in their life: rape, divorce or separation, abuse, arguments with whatsoever, relationship problems, people who weren’t able to move on but now they did. I’ve seen through my own eyes, I’ve heard through my own ears their laughter, smiles, joy. They were truly happy. ‘Suicide does not end the chances of life getting worse. Suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.’ I do believe that. I also believe that everyone will find their own happiness with time. Being drinking those pills, before letting yourself bleed out, before putting a gun to your head, before hanging a rope around your next, before taking that one step off a high edge I want you to remember the word happiness. I care, my friends care, other people who are strangers care. Almost all of us care for you.
P.S. If you need to talk, I will listen or read. E-mail and I will do my best to answer within a day or two, hopefully it’d be shorter.