Burned and Blackened by the Flame

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t really know how to start this post. I don’t know if it should be joyful or a sad start. I guess I’ll start with this: Congratulations to my aunt and uncle for getting married. I hope that your love for each other will not fade and I wish happiness to the years to come. I hope that you bring your future children in a kind and loving manner. I wish you two prosperity with everything. Today they got married, this day on October 12, 2013.

The church was beautiful, it was not full but it was enough. Surrounded by loved ones, showing their full support. It was a happy event in total. I am happy for them. Sadly though, I was forced to wear a dress. Thing is, I hate wearing dress, don’t forget heels too! I wore a dress and heels the whole day today. The reception followed, it was held in a hotel. The architecture and the interior of the hotel was meticulously creative. it was very pleasant to look at. I downed a margarita and 2 specially mixed alcoholic drink. I’m was in utmost shock noticing how I am not drunk for the amount of alcohol I’ve drank since it is the first time I’ve seriously drank. The rest of the time I’ve just been tasting and sipping from parents or relative. I’ve also had 3 cups of coffee. The whole time I was enthusiastic yet I had a feeling. Not once in my whole life I’ve been happy a whole day. I found the fact that the rest of the day was joyful in a way or another fishy. Then with my theory, I stand correct.

My oldest cousin in my dad’s side and I were taking pictures. We decided to play the role of being an artistic director and photographer. Materials used: Ipad 4 camera, candle, petals, chocolate sprinkles, lemon slice. Simple yet we decided to play using imagination and creativity. We both had fun, took us forever to take the proper angle and focus. Shots taken are as posted:

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Later on, as the even continued I started to feel ‘edgy’. Usually, when this feeling comes I know something bad will happen. Guess what? It did. I reacted to something so simple. I blew up. I got defensive. I know it was wrong but it becomes automatic. I shouted at my parents. I went against them because I wanted to protect myself. Now you wonder, why the fuck did she get defensive, your parents are just correcting you? This is because my whole life I grew up with my parents shouting at me,. I grew up having to stick up to their loud voice, hence I started getting defensive. I don’t want to get hurt anymore yet I know every time I’d get defensive it’d turn out worse. I knew yet I can’t help anymore. Was it because of the alcohol? I doubt I was still able to stand and walk on my feet. Then why? I don’t know. I guess the relationship I have with them is like the burned lemon, it does not set a fire but it only gets burned and blackened by the flame. My relationship with my parents does not become hate but after effect of their shouting is left behind in memory hence me getting burned and blackened by the flame. I don’t know if I still do love my parents nor do I know if I hate them.

Once we all got in the car, it was only the three of us. I prepared for the worse. Here goes the endless rambling of theirs, I know all these yet it still affects me. The hate I have for myself has continued to grow to the extent I’ve never expected. Why can’t I move on? Why can’t I let go? Why can’t I improve? Why can’t I just be their perfect daughter? Why can’t I?

As we’ve arrived ‘home’, I ran straight to my room. I in the middle of the bed, rocking back and forth. Continuously I did so while regaining my regular breathing. Anxiety has arrived. It took me a minute or two to compose myself and go back to a normal state. Sadly, my parents are one of my triggers. I did not have a panic attack but just plain anxiety. I became fearful of everything. I didn’t want anybody to touch me. I didn’t want my parents to know how fucked up I am. For so long I’ve kept such but now it’s growing to an extent that I can’t keep it private nor hide it. I can barely control it anymore. I just don’t want anybody to be concerned for me. No one.

This ends my post. I’m sorry that recently all my post has been sad and depressing. I try my best to keep myself happy but now it’s really hard. Give me time to adjust and compose myself, i just need to let it out. One day, I’ll dedicate a whole post regarding my parents. I have problems talking or chatting with a person but when blogging I have no problems. I know talking helps but I can’t bring myself to. Forgive me for being selfish and self-conceited for bringing my problems here. Just give me time.

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