Maybe today’s not the day nor will it be tomorrow, but all I’ve got to do is to keep pushing on. I promised this, I promised that. I need to keep those promises because I swore truthfully. I promised to do my best to recover. I promised myself I will keep believing. I promised other that I will stay strong for them. I will not back down easily, no more will I do so. I’ve changed a lot, extremely. Now I need to go back up, face those changes to actually become happy. I will keep trying, I will keep climbing. I have a reason, I need to recover,
Ever since my guidance counselor told me “Aids, when will you stop being depressed?”. Though it may be rude, but she’s right, absolutely right. I’ve gone through a lot in the past which I cannot move on. My anxiety is getting worst for some reason that is yet to be found out. I live in fear at my house not knowing what will happen. I laugh for the wrong reasons because this is how I cope with it. Why? I don’t laugh much because of something I find funny. I tend to laugh because I’m tired, I’ve had enough. Hell, I even laugh when I really want to cry. My friends who are aware that I am depressed keep saying “Oh, look at you. You are getting better”. I just simply laugh and shrug it all off because I know myself that I am not. I don’t really know what’s happening to me anymore but that’s okay. I’ll keep hoping that I’d be able to find out the reason why. That’s life, it’s a continuous search for something that we may never know. Who knows, maybe it’s just really death or maybe whatsoever.
Her, my guidance counselor, words keep repeating on my mind. “Recovery is a choice”. Every time I think I relapsed words as such come to my head, promises that I’ve sworn to others and myself. In my head, they all repeat, over and over and over and over again. I cry, I get my anxiety attacks but that doesn’t stop me. I won’t let it stop me. I’m currently making my way up the ladder. I know it’s a treacherous climb but I have a feeling it would be worth it.
The reason that I still have not relapsed at this early stage of recovery is because I’ have met people, now my friends, who are actually happy. Both has gone through a lot of shit yet not I look at them, I’m reminded that things do actually get better. But here’s the catch, it is a choice. Recovery is a choice. It is painstakingly hard to stick to but find your drive, a reason to do so. A friend or just simply to become an inspiration. Prove them all wrong. Prove all your demons, nightmares, horrors, ghosts that they’re wrong. Prove them that you are better than getting sucked in their flow. You have your own flow. We all do! We just need to find it and make it our own. Depression and sadness is not a path but a downfall. We should not let this stop us. There is much more in life, much, much more. We just need to see with our eyes. Maybe right now you can’t, maybe tomorrow you won’t but I promise you you will find it. Don’t easily give up though you’ve had enough. Find strength in friends, may they be internet or in real life, they will support you. They will always be there, I will always be here.
Now I started to believe in the things I’ve used to. I’ve found a drive, a reason to continue, a reason to recover. In my head the promises I’ve sworn to myself and to others, the words that my guidance counselor said. Recovery is a choice, a choice that I have chosen. I will not easily back down and give up. I will have faith in myself. I do not know what to expect nor know what will I go through but I am sure, it is no easy path.
Recovery is a choice I’ve chosen.