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Hanging On To Dear Life

A great deal of effort exerted to reach a specific goal or to do a specific task is a fulfilling feeling. It’s like the amount of preparation done to climb a mountain is such a hassling task but finally, you’ve reached the top. You then take in the scenery and reminisce everything you’ve done to make it come true. All the stress, the weight of each choice that must be made and all the obstacles you must overcome to reach the top. In the process of all the enjoyment and safety, you carelessly start walking closer and closer to the edge. Soon you then realize you are standing right on the edge.

With the sun shining above you and the wind blowing past you, you have this great idea to just simply look off the edge to see how far you’ve climbed, and so you do. Wrong move. Big mistake. The earth you stand on sudden crumbles under your weight. Soon you reality slowly sinks in… with words going through your mind, regrets and cussing said barely a breath while trying to keep your bearing. The ground then completely collapse and you infuriatingly try your best you grab something, anything just to save your sorry ass. Luckily, you do grab on to a root. With all the strength you have, you try to pull yourself up on safety ground but the effort is futile because it seems as if your hands are slipping from the root. It’s as if you were never meant to dwell too high from the ground, just as birds are constricted to fly to far from the ground.

Blaming your stupid pride, you took the comfort and safety for granted.

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At My Limit

I thought I had a shot at being the first choice, foolish of I to believe so. I thought what we had was special. Now I know, it was just the spur of the moment. It’s no longer the same, no matter how hard I try. No amount of effort I can do to bring it back right. What am I thinking? The effort must come from two for friends make up two. Though selfish of I, to think of such. I don’t think you bother to make an effort anymore.

I guess we’re going our separate ways, both turning to our old ways. I’m scared to go back to mine but at least I know you’re fine. Now I realize, everything was just temporary. Forever does not exist, neither do you and I. I’m giving up now because I’m sick and tired, nothing comes out of the effort I put, nothing to repay it too. The things you say and plan never fails to keep my hopes high. But whoops my mistake, nothing happens. The first few times, I guess it was fine. The next set, I started thinking otherwise. Thanks to you I’ve finally learned, keeping my high and expectations at a point ends to nothing but pain. I think its best for us to have a break. I’m sorry for it may seem selfish but I have no other way. I’ve reached my limit, its all too much. But I guess its fine, since we stopped talking since a few. You don’t even check your messages anymore, might as well stop sending you some since it feel you’re bothered by it anyway.  We both changed and we couldn’t accept the change in the other person.

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The Tempting Edge

You walk off the edge of the cliff, pacing back and forth thinking the unthinkable.An infinity of “if’s” and “maybe’s” run through your head. Tempting offer, yes?

Forward and onward. No, backward and retract. 

Which one? Endless possibilities, infinite opinions, barrage of confusions – such as those remain your mind tender.

Let your mind be tender for it is what makes you understand. Be focused, as sharp as the tip of your tongue – filled with lies, to not waver from any distractions. Breathe, for it is one that you must and remain to do so. Learn, for without it you may never move on but simply remain still – afloat in time. Most importantly, make mistakes; through such acts we are given a chance, and with this chance gives a new idea.

Life will not always seem as it is supposed to, or simply that is what majority would think so. But maybe, it may also be that life is not to be supposed to but simply supposed from – an exception within what we’d think as, in explainable. More often that not, the in explainable is something we refuse to accept; the laziness of understanding of what refuse.

Forward and onward, backward and retract.

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Cross Road

It’s been an extremely long while since I’ve last really ‘blogged’. Yes, my schedule is still filled with the competitions and ballet performances to practice for. School projects and homework that I just really cram. With everything that’s happened and is happening, I never took the time to sit on my laptop and formally type a post.

God, there’s been so much I’ve been wanting to blog about but my shitty schedule does not cooperate with me. Here are some events that happened over past few days.

  1. MSEP Fieldtrip (MSEP is a program that is provided from my school. It’s a program for those who can pick up faster in math and science subjects.)
  2. Marian Camp (It’s basically a holy day.)
  3. First Time Shipping

And a lot more that I actually forgot. I realized so much over the events. Countless thoughts and ideas passing through my head, most of which I’ve already forgotten. For now I am also disappointed to say that my creative writings skills, fail to arise. I currently have no plans on stories or poems. Well I do have the topics down, I just don’t feel the drive. Do you get me?

Well last, time I’ve announced that I was on my way to recover. Which was great. (Take note: was) Currently, I’m not really sure where I stand. It’s like I stand on ground that can disappear at any moment, just like a crumbling cliff which at any moment may collapse. There was even a time where in I almost relapsed, good thing  I was able to get my shit down and controlled. But I don’t think it would matter if I relapsed or not because right now I don’t think I’m recovering nor do I think I’ve relapsed. So where am I?

As you can see, I am just like a lost sheep roaming around the fields unsure where to go. Now I start to wonder, where  am I heading? What am I doing? Am I still on the road to recovery or a cursed path to relapse?

Where am I going?

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A Gamble with Honesty

I know I haven’t been posting, “posting” — like blogging and all that. I’ve just been posting poems. I told you guys that my old posting schedule will go back…. Sadly, it hasn’t. I thought my busy schedule will come to an end or at least lessen. As you can see, it has not. With homeworks, cramming, more drama, and this terrible cold I have that’s making my world spin and make me fell like shit. Yes, my life has been extremely busy. But over the past few days, I’ve gotten topics that I’d like to share but take note: it’s only my opinion. To start it off I would gladly love to talk about honesty.

Well my guidance counselor and I have an unusual connection. I know it seems weird that I’m close to such person but I guess it’s because she gives me answers and made me realize or at least help me to realize such things. These past few days the ‘drama’ became “THE drama“. It’s become bigger, extremely gigantic. From one major problem, another arose. Nothing will stay the same, ever. That’s what I’ve learned, no matter how much you try to keep it same or how much will power you have to keep it stable.

Recently, I’ve got a friend. She was on the road to recovery. Take note: she was. I thought ‘Hey, she’s doing great. I hope nothing makes her relapse.”. Guess what? She did, terribly. Her cutting turned out worse than before. She even started cutting on her arms. She’s never done it because she always meant to hide it. I guess it was mainly because she’s lost her ‘home‘.

Home isn’t your typical house, it’s something much more. It’s somewhere you feel safe, protected, and most importantly, calm. Home can be a place, an item, or even a person. My home is with my best friend, while hers is her so called ‘older sister’. Let’s name this ‘older sister’ of hers as Aimee.

Sadly, because of some complicated reason Aimee and my friend stopped talking, their situation is not normal and should be kept hidden. Basically, my friend lost her special person. We all know that we have friends, close friends, best friends and sometimes, some people separate their best friend from this ‘special person’. Only such person knows everything. Only that person is your automatic first person. I bet it was hard on her, then her parents started becoming a problem too. Even some of her friends started avoiding her. Sadly, I will admit that I am one of them. I have my own reasons, I will never leave a friend for no apparent reasons.

With her situation becoming terribly worse to extremely bad. She’s already overdose twice and luckily failed. I did my best and gave her more reasons to stay. All I aimed for her is to have second thoughts. She’s also starting to notice how some of her friends started leaving. My guidance counselor, whom is very well aware of her situation, suggested we tell her why her friends are leaving. Maybe some would not agree, other would do other wise yet I still pushed through with it. We had a heart to heart talk to each other, it was very awkward at first but we got through hat barrier. Luckily, she was mature enough to accept what our say of her. Now we are still friends but will repair our friendship little by little.

Sometimes situations and circumstances can be hard and complicated but most times honesty can help the situation yet it can also worsen it. It’s like a gamble that you must take because most times staying safe doesn’t get you anywhere. But in the end, everything would depend if both parties will deal with it maturely and in a civil manner. It doesn’t hurt to observe.

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Update #1

I’m sorry I haven’t been posting as much as I did. Now I guess I’ll start my long excuses but I’ll do my best to keep it short. Things have been very stressful: physically and mentally. Things have arose and I’ve been physically abusing my own body to the point of passing out every night. Don’t worry, physically abusing myself is basically me doing volley for 6 straight days for the whole day. *Cue the applause*. Then things I’ve forgotten and thought I’ve gotten over has re-risen, problems that have been put on hold now gives me the stress of making quick action with the little time to think over.

In actuality, I’ve been wanting to post but I haven’t have the thoughts and the time, hilarious right? Most people would have the thoughts and the time but they don’t have the drive to type or write. Well, I on the other hand has a weird functioning brain that is extremely different, thought I don’t mind it at all. Even until now, I haven’t have the idea of a post topic. Maybe it’s because thoughts are in and out of my head 24/7. When one gets forgotten, another arises then the forgotten one comes back.

Yes, I know that I have an extremely short span of attention but I actually think in very complicated way too.  Don’t need to tell me that twice.

I have also made a hundred drafts and deleted a thousand more.

Why?

Most are one liners and are extremely a short train of thought. Some are extremely crappy and shit, ramblings such as this. Others too light, too ‘heavy’, or too personal.

I have will say this now that I have my respects to you, readers. It must be a pain to read my posts: my terrible grammar and spelling, the unorganized thoughts, the random moments, maybe too depressing, or too happy. I want to thank you for sticking up with my bipolar ways. Please feel free to comment your own opinions because I, myself, am curious.

I’ll be having  a new thing to post:

  1. Train of Thoughts – to exercise your brain.
  2. Song Lyrics – My own version of a playlist but in just a song (hahahahaha)

So far those are my ideas, I don’t know every when I’d post it. Daily, monthly or every whatsoever days has not been decided. Please bear with me for quite a little while and I’ll go back to my regular posting.

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Get-Away Day 1: The Escape Plan

Getting up at 2:30 in the morning is a pain in the ass, but it’s a small price to pay to get away from reality. Starting November 1 until November 10 is my sembreak but on October 31, I made it a self-proclaimed sembreak. The flight was 5:30 am on October 31, Halloween day. Basically I didn’t spend my Halloween by dressing up nor trick or treating but I spent it swimming! Yes, the whole day was dedicated to swimming while I just spent majority of my time lazing around and watching Walking Dead, Sleepy Hollow, and Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. It literally drained my Ipad. For the first time in 5 months, it reached until five percent. Well though the day seemed boring, I also spent it by binge eating. Damn, you should’ve seen the amount of food I’d order! It was extremely good but sadly, fattening.

The day dragged by calming, I swam a bit but not too much then I suddenly see this group of guys. My family and I called them the “Machi” guys. They were this group of bulky guys, they literally looked like muscle builders! But though they look so manly they were fucking hilarious,  they did jump shots. Manly guys did jumps shots. As in the girly ones, and I think they were all gay for each other! And then they were so cute! They should all be shipped together. They also took selfies. It was so adorable to watch them. Then I was lucky enough to catch them having a ‘meeting’ near the shore. Aren’t they adorable!

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The day ended peacefully and this was the last picture of mine taken from that day.

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