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Hanging On To Dear Life

A great deal of effort exerted to reach a specific goal or to do a specific task is a fulfilling feeling. It’s like the amount of preparation done to climb a mountain is such a hassling task but finally, you’ve reached the top. You then take in the scenery and reminisce everything you’ve done to make it come true. All the stress, the weight of each choice that must be made and all the obstacles you must overcome to reach the top. In the process of all the enjoyment and safety, you carelessly start walking closer and closer to the edge. Soon you then realize you are standing right on the edge.

With the sun shining above you and the wind blowing past you, you have this great idea to just simply look off the edge to see how far you’ve climbed, and so you do. Wrong move. Big mistake. The earth you stand on sudden crumbles under your weight. Soon you reality slowly sinks in… with words going through your mind, regrets and cussing said barely a breath while trying to keep your bearing. The ground then completely collapse and you infuriatingly try your best you grab something, anything just to save your sorry ass. Luckily, you do grab on to a root. With all the strength you have, you try to pull yourself up on safety ground but the effort is futile because it seems as if your hands are slipping from the root. It’s as if you were never meant to dwell too high from the ground, just as birds are constricted to fly to far from the ground.

Blaming your stupid pride, you took the comfort and safety for granted.

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Silent Prayers of One on the Brink of Relapse

Let me drown myself in music
Let the silence settle in
The beat thumping in stead
Breathing air within

As I yearn for control
For I start to lose myself
Chaos pacing ’round
Always on toes

Quietly they whisper
Tempting me as they may
All in play, silently I say
“Let me not hinder”

The past is past
Future has yet to come
Present is all that matters
Matters most for some

Let me drown myself in music
Let the silence drawn near
Ruin not what I ask
For the urge has come to a near

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The Tempting Edge

You walk off the edge of the cliff, pacing back and forth thinking the unthinkable.An infinity of “if’s” and “maybe’s” run through your head. Tempting offer, yes?

Forward and onward. No, backward and retract. 

Which one? Endless possibilities, infinite opinions, barrage of confusions – such as those remain your mind tender.

Let your mind be tender for it is what makes you understand. Be focused, as sharp as the tip of your tongue – filled with lies, to not waver from any distractions. Breathe, for it is one that you must and remain to do so. Learn, for without it you may never move on but simply remain still – afloat in time. Most importantly, make mistakes; through such acts we are given a chance, and with this chance gives a new idea.

Life will not always seem as it is supposed to, or simply that is what majority would think so. But maybe, it may also be that life is not to be supposed to but simply supposed from – an exception within what we’d think as, in explainable. More often that not, the in explainable is something we refuse to accept; the laziness of understanding of what refuse.

Forward and onward, backward and retract.

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Refusal of Denial

Your soul crying
Your tears falling
Your heart aching

Anger and frustration
Fill your thoughts
Wishing for redemption

Lost in water
Darkness all over
No way of escaping

Slowly you are dying
Help, you’re screaming
Your eyes are dimming

Overwhelmed with pain
Pours blood rain
No way to reign

Control lost over
Nothing to hover
No way to cover

A lost cause yo claim
Recovery you refused to gain

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The Change

As I look upon the sky
I no longer see blue skies
Not even a bit of clear
Nor a bit of bright

When did it turn so dark
Like a storm forming by
Covered the pleasant mark
Made by ones up high

I may not believe in sacred scriptures
To be honest, unexplained bullshit is what I hear
I don’t exactly mind to be hated on this
For it is what knowledge I seer

Yet again I look upon the sky
My sight still sees the same
But I feel something new
Like falling droplets on my head

Here it is, the rain has come
Dropping on my face, I feel numb
I see, it’s filled with red stained fright
No longer what I know, clear and white

With fright I stand with what’s left of my might
All courage I’ve gathers, all stories I’v told
Yet still I hear the soft hum, ringing at a height
Which I’ve searched everywhere to grab a hold

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Cross Road

It’s been an extremely long while since I’ve last really ‘blogged’. Yes, my schedule is still filled with the competitions and ballet performances to practice for. School projects and homework that I just really cram. With everything that’s happened and is happening, I never took the time to sit on my laptop and formally type a post.

God, there’s been so much I’ve been wanting to blog about but my shitty schedule does not cooperate with me. Here are some events that happened over past few days.

  1. MSEP Fieldtrip (MSEP is a program that is provided from my school. It’s a program for those who can pick up faster in math and science subjects.)
  2. Marian Camp (It’s basically a holy day.)
  3. First Time Shipping

And a lot more that I actually forgot. I realized so much over the events. Countless thoughts and ideas passing through my head, most of which I’ve already forgotten. For now I am also disappointed to say that my creative writings skills, fail to arise. I currently have no plans on stories or poems. Well I do have the topics down, I just don’t feel the drive. Do you get me?

Well last, time I’ve announced that I was on my way to recover. Which was great. (Take note: was) Currently, I’m not really sure where I stand. It’s like I stand on ground that can disappear at any moment, just like a crumbling cliff which at any moment may collapse. There was even a time where in I almost relapsed, good thing  I was able to get my shit down and controlled. But I don’t think it would matter if I relapsed or not because right now I don’t think I’m recovering nor do I think I’ve relapsed. So where am I?

As you can see, I am just like a lost sheep roaming around the fields unsure where to go. Now I start to wonder, where  am I heading? What am I doing? Am I still on the road to recovery or a cursed path to relapse?

Where am I going?

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Immunity

Can’t we just lay down under the midnight sky
Counting stars as we stay at each others sides

Can’t we just sit in silence as the day goes on
Finding comfort in each other’s warmth

Can’t we just be us when the world judges us
Weird and free, happy and wee

Oh dear, I’ve asked these a thousands times
Maybe even a million or billion on my mind

But we both know that life is no fairy tale
And you are not a prince, neither am I a princess

It’s life, wherein nothing goes your way
It’s where unexpected things happen

It gives no chances but only takes
It’s brutal and harsh wherein everyone is alone

But through the dissonant reality
You are my endless immunity