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With Time We’ve Grown Upon Each Other

Our hands reach out
Aiming towards the vast sky
The unknown, a desire to discover
With you by my side, there’s always a tomorrow

Giggling and laughing at the most irrelevant
Backs to the soft lush green grass we lay upon
As time ticks by, I no longer take note
With you by my side, you’re all the time I need

The sounds around me silent and hush
All focus towards a single voice, yours
Words I’ve heard a thousand times, it’ll never get old
With you by my side, noise and silence I dare not need

Swirling fresh air that surrounds us
Brings the essence and peace within ourselves
But I do not need as such for
With you by my side, peace and serenity you bring

For times I am lost, alone and terrified
You guide me back safely and whole
For the times I lose control, outrageous and arrogant
You manage to calm and comfort me
For times I do not have an answer, ignorant and stubborn
You shed light into the truth
With you by my side, I am myself yet again

The more I figure you out, like a puzzle
Shedding truth to your unknowns
You have me falling deeper to your side
Like a seed fallen to the ground, you grew as a part of me
Like the soil of which you’re planted upon, I nurtured you
With you by my side, you are all I need.

You are my everything.

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Reality of the Imaginary

To live in an imaginary world filled with happiness and peace is to: risk the company of others, those whom you’ve known, know and have yet to know; risk the enlightenment and pain they cause upon you, with knowing that they are what makes of you – what makes you discover your limits and go beyond it; risk the warmth of their embrace and their physical comfort or words that can touch your soul; risk the chance to discover more and venture to the infinite line; risk the chance to call the bets and make decisions; risk the chance to expect the unexpected. To live in such a world is to seclude yourself from the continuous growth of oneself.

It is a choice, an option that one may choose with free will for it is said that we live in a free country. The thought of the happiness and peace makes one feel untouchable and safe from destruction, but being safe will not let one progress. In fact, it prevents anyone from moving forwards.

A world chosen in imaginary is to replay the present over and over again, a broken record on repeat, never going back neither forward. The moment one chooses, knowledge within the being is the only foundation of the imaginary. It may different from time to time but as the sand continuously fall by the grain, different would not be ‘different’ no more.

A pattern such as A, B, C, D may be the original set, within it one may make more, such as: AB, ABCD, ABC, ABD, ACD, AD and etc. In the end, the pattern will stop until there is no more. That is when one starts to repeat the pattern; when different would not be ‘different’ no more.

One cannot benefit. One shall remain stuck.

The past, present and future – there will be no such thing. Birth and death will no longer coexist as one may know. Everything is just a time played upon the infinity.

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The Tempting Edge

You walk off the edge of the cliff, pacing back and forth thinking the unthinkable.An infinity of “if’s” and “maybe’s” run through your head. Tempting offer, yes?

Forward and onward. No, backward and retract. 

Which one? Endless possibilities, infinite opinions, barrage of confusions – such as those remain your mind tender.

Let your mind be tender for it is what makes you understand. Be focused, as sharp as the tip of your tongue – filled with lies, to not waver from any distractions. Breathe, for it is one that you must and remain to do so. Learn, for without it you may never move on but simply remain still – afloat in time. Most importantly, make mistakes; through such acts we are given a chance, and with this chance gives a new idea.

Life will not always seem as it is supposed to, or simply that is what majority would think so. But maybe, it may also be that life is not to be supposed to but simply supposed from – an exception within what we’d think as, in explainable. More often that not, the in explainable is something we refuse to accept; the laziness of understanding of what refuse.

Forward and onward, backward and retract.

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The Change

As I look upon the sky
I no longer see blue skies
Not even a bit of clear
Nor a bit of bright

When did it turn so dark
Like a storm forming by
Covered the pleasant mark
Made by ones up high

I may not believe in sacred scriptures
To be honest, unexplained bullshit is what I hear
I don’t exactly mind to be hated on this
For it is what knowledge I seer

Yet again I look upon the sky
My sight still sees the same
But I feel something new
Like falling droplets on my head

Here it is, the rain has come
Dropping on my face, I feel numb
I see, it’s filled with red stained fright
No longer what I know, clear and white

With fright I stand with what’s left of my might
All courage I’ve gathers, all stories I’v told
Yet still I hear the soft hum, ringing at a height
Which I’ve searched everywhere to grab a hold

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Don’t Lose Focus

Doubts fill my head. Questions dwell, too. Debating with myself if it was right or wrong. To have such things in my mind is absolutely wrong especially when things are this fragile. As a new week starts, expectations of reality is doomed. I cannot be fooled by my optimism but can only hang on to my pessimistic ways.

For one to be fully aware of the situation and those yet to come. One must, expect for the worst. One needs to be pessimistic about the future and avoid any optimistic thoughts because chances are greater to become false. But thing is, one may need to be pessimistic but one must also stay strong and firm when thinking of thoughts. You simply need to dwell and prepare not dwell and stay.

A huge difference between the two. To dwell and prepare is to learn and think of ways to cope with it. To dwell and stay is to lose focus of your main goal thus leading the failure of the goal.

See the difference?

Stay firm and don’t lose focus. If you do lose focus, find a way to refocus. Concentrate and remember the reason/s you had such goal. Do not let doubts bring you down and continue moving forward.

Up coming days/weeks/months, hopefully not years, will be dreadful for my friends and I. As this continue to drag a long we must stay strong for the plan is at a fragile state. If one were to back down, the plan would go wrong. All our original ideas would become nothing but a failure. It would be destroyed. If the plan were to fail, we would most definitely not benefit from it.

Now desperate for the little hope we have, we turn too in these times. Doubts unwavering persistence causes me to regret thus making me unsure. I started this with my friends and I will need to end it with them.

Stay firm. Don’t lose focus. I will finish what is started.

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The Biggest Enemy is Yourself

Bottom Line of this post is located on the last paragraph. If not interested to read please simply scroll down.

Action. Done. Reaction. Not yet done.

As I said, my friends and I took a step. We told someone who can help. We all believe and agree that she can keep a secret. Furthering to our discussion with her, we’ve learned that she has helped multiple cases similar as hers. She immediately said that things will be kept strictly-confidential and resumed asking for details. We’ve shown her proof, like how one writes a story but in reality, it is describing that person’s feelings or situation. She understands us. She told us that she has a way of telling her without her knowing it was us spoke out. We politely declined and quickly stated our thoughts. We’d rather be by her side and show support though currently, we are aware of her hating us, she see’s us as the bad guys, we are all aware why. We expected it already.

At the end of the discussion, the adult needed time to do her own investigations. We respect her choice and let her be. We trust her, we know she can be the one to actually put our intentions to good use. As we all exited her place, I instantly felt lighter. I asked my friends, they agreed with me. Now the hard part is faking. We have whats left for the weekend to compose ourselves and be ready once we arrive in school. Once there, everything will go hush. Nothing happened, we need to look fine. We have to resume with our daily lives, normally. We must not have any conversations of this in public. Everything will go silent.

Before I did everything, I seriously thought of what my dad said and what others suggested. This kept me up at about three am until I settled that it was enough for now. I needed to sleep no matter what because I still have training, not sleeping before training is horrible. Just a while ago that happened, I felt like shit. I felt weak. Though seriously I did think of it, I avoided the fact that she will be mentally broken. Three of her trusted friends turning behind her back, forcing her to do something she doesn’t want to. If she doesn’t realize that she needs help. If she doesn’t realize that it’s for the best of her. She keeps saying that currently it’s fine but nothing stay fine for long, I first-handedly experienced that. She needs help. She herself has to say it.

It’s all been overwhelming for me, I apologize for posting such. I just wanted to say in general is:

Sometimes to help a friend, you need to be the enemy. By being the enemy, your bond as friends gets destroyed. You will need to gamble friendship. Not only would your friend suffer but yourself too. Before you do such things, make sure you are mentally prepared. Always expect for the worst, remember that. Shits going down and it’s going to be filled with drama. Feel free to call it ‘Drama Marathon’ as I would call it. I guess putting a bit of humor wouldn’t hurt, right? Lastly, sometimes the best option is not always the easiest. Life is a constant battle with various things, but the biggest enemy is yourself.

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Double Back and Stride Front

Realization dawned onto me. I mustered up enough courage to message my older cousins, both are currently in the US while I am in the Philippines. Both of them are brothers, each matured in their own ways. I know they’ve gone through a lot especially with the family. Sadly, I was too young to be aware. Now I’m old enough and first handedly experiencing the struggles of life, don’t forget its complications! Both of them suggested greatly that I talk to my dad. At first I was like “WTF, my dad. But eh..” My dad is one of my triggers in a panic/anxiety attack. Was I willing to take the risk? But the oldest kept pushing, I finally agreed to. But I made sure so I asked the younger one. I discovered that he was/is depressed. I wasn’t able to know if he has recovered or if he’s on his way or still depressed, I didn’t bother to dwell on it because I felt like he didn’t want either.

The older cousin was ignorant and I can obviously see it, all it led me was pissy land. The younger one was more considerate. He understood and shared his learnings to me. Though I am young I told him that I will always be here for him when he needs help. That is something I will take seriously.

Given the chance to talk to my own dad. I know that he would be more understanding than my mom. He actually ran away from my grandmother, his mom, and lived in New York for a while. He also sacrificed a lot to be where he is today. Unlike my mom, I think my mom’s life would be composed majority of happiness. With the given stated above, I would agree that my dad would more likely to understand. I told him to talk to me once mom was asleep.

He came into my room, sat down at the side of my best. I told him the plan. He’s willing to do what I asked him to if my friend, the one we are trying to help, will agree. That’s somewhat a yes, right? He also mentioned flaws and whats looked over our plan. He said “It has to come from her“. Now I realized is that he was right, absolutely right. We will start and make an opening for her then she must or will have to continue. I know what I’m going to do. Tomorrow, I’ll discuss this new plan and see how it works out. Thats what I’m going to do. I’m going to double back and stride front.