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Hanging On To Dear Life

A great deal of effort exerted to reach a specific goal or to do a specific task is a fulfilling feeling. It’s like the amount of preparation done to climb a mountain is such a hassling task but finally, you’ve reached the top. You then take in the scenery and reminisce everything you’ve done to make it come true. All the stress, the weight of each choice that must be made and all the obstacles you must overcome to reach the top. In the process of all the enjoyment and safety, you carelessly start walking closer and closer to the edge. Soon you then realize you are standing right on the edge.

With the sun shining above you and the wind blowing past you, you have this great idea to just simply look off the edge to see how far you’ve climbed, and so you do. Wrong move. Big mistake. The earth you stand on sudden crumbles under your weight. Soon you reality slowly sinks in… with words going through your mind, regrets and cussing said barely a breath while trying to keep your bearing. The ground then completely collapse and you infuriatingly try your best you grab something, anything just to save your sorry ass. Luckily, you do grab on to a root. With all the strength you have, you try to pull yourself up on safety ground but the effort is futile because it seems as if your hands are slipping from the root. It’s as if you were never meant to dwell too high from the ground, just as birds are constricted to fly to far from the ground.

Blaming your stupid pride, you took the comfort and safety for granted.

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Silent Prayers of One on the Brink of Relapse

Let me drown myself in music
Let the silence settle in
The beat thumping in stead
Breathing air within

As I yearn for control
For I start to lose myself
Chaos pacing ’round
Always on toes

Quietly they whisper
Tempting me as they may
All in play, silently I say
“Let me not hinder”

The past is past
Future has yet to come
Present is all that matters
Matters most for some

Let me drown myself in music
Let the silence drawn near
Ruin not what I ask
For the urge has come to a near

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Refusal of Denial

Your soul crying
Your tears falling
Your heart aching

Anger and frustration
Fill your thoughts
Wishing for redemption

Lost in water
Darkness all over
No way of escaping

Slowly you are dying
Help, you’re screaming
Your eyes are dimming

Overwhelmed with pain
Pours blood rain
No way to reign

Control lost over
Nothing to hover
No way to cover

A lost cause yo claim
Recovery you refused to gain

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The Change

As I look upon the sky
I no longer see blue skies
Not even a bit of clear
Nor a bit of bright

When did it turn so dark
Like a storm forming by
Covered the pleasant mark
Made by ones up high

I may not believe in sacred scriptures
To be honest, unexplained bullshit is what I hear
I don’t exactly mind to be hated on this
For it is what knowledge I seer

Yet again I look upon the sky
My sight still sees the same
But I feel something new
Like falling droplets on my head

Here it is, the rain has come
Dropping on my face, I feel numb
I see, it’s filled with red stained fright
No longer what I know, clear and white

With fright I stand with what’s left of my might
All courage I’ve gathers, all stories I’v told
Yet still I hear the soft hum, ringing at a height
Which I’ve searched everywhere to grab a hold

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A Gamble with Honesty

I know I haven’t been posting, “posting” — like blogging and all that. I’ve just been posting poems. I told you guys that my old posting schedule will go back…. Sadly, it hasn’t. I thought my busy schedule will come to an end or at least lessen. As you can see, it has not. With homeworks, cramming, more drama, and this terrible cold I have that’s making my world spin and make me fell like shit. Yes, my life has been extremely busy. But over the past few days, I’ve gotten topics that I’d like to share but take note: it’s only my opinion. To start it off I would gladly love to talk about honesty.

Well my guidance counselor and I have an unusual connection. I know it seems weird that I’m close to such person but I guess it’s because she gives me answers and made me realize or at least help me to realize such things. These past few days the ‘drama’ became “THE drama“. It’s become bigger, extremely gigantic. From one major problem, another arose. Nothing will stay the same, ever. That’s what I’ve learned, no matter how much you try to keep it same or how much will power you have to keep it stable.

Recently, I’ve got a friend. She was on the road to recovery. Take note: she was. I thought ‘Hey, she’s doing great. I hope nothing makes her relapse.”. Guess what? She did, terribly. Her cutting turned out worse than before. She even started cutting on her arms. She’s never done it because she always meant to hide it. I guess it was mainly because she’s lost her ‘home‘.

Home isn’t your typical house, it’s something much more. It’s somewhere you feel safe, protected, and most importantly, calm. Home can be a place, an item, or even a person. My home is with my best friend, while hers is her so called ‘older sister’. Let’s name this ‘older sister’ of hers as Aimee.

Sadly, because of some complicated reason Aimee and my friend stopped talking, their situation is not normal and should be kept hidden. Basically, my friend lost her special person. We all know that we have friends, close friends, best friends and sometimes, some people separate their best friend from this ‘special person’. Only such person knows everything. Only that person is your automatic first person. I bet it was hard on her, then her parents started becoming a problem too. Even some of her friends started avoiding her. Sadly, I will admit that I am one of them. I have my own reasons, I will never leave a friend for no apparent reasons.

With her situation becoming terribly worse to extremely bad. She’s already overdose twice and luckily failed. I did my best and gave her more reasons to stay. All I aimed for her is to have second thoughts. She’s also starting to notice how some of her friends started leaving. My guidance counselor, whom is very well aware of her situation, suggested we tell her why her friends are leaving. Maybe some would not agree, other would do other wise yet I still pushed through with it. We had a heart to heart talk to each other, it was very awkward at first but we got through hat barrier. Luckily, she was mature enough to accept what our say of her. Now we are still friends but will repair our friendship little by little.

Sometimes situations and circumstances can be hard and complicated but most times honesty can help the situation yet it can also worsen it. It’s like a gamble that you must take because most times staying safe doesn’t get you anywhere. But in the end, everything would depend if both parties will deal with it maturely and in a civil manner. It doesn’t hurt to observe.

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Update #1

I’m sorry I haven’t been posting as much as I did. Now I guess I’ll start my long excuses but I’ll do my best to keep it short. Things have been very stressful: physically and mentally. Things have arose and I’ve been physically abusing my own body to the point of passing out every night. Don’t worry, physically abusing myself is basically me doing volley for 6 straight days for the whole day. *Cue the applause*. Then things I’ve forgotten and thought I’ve gotten over has re-risen, problems that have been put on hold now gives me the stress of making quick action with the little time to think over.

In actuality, I’ve been wanting to post but I haven’t have the thoughts and the time, hilarious right? Most people would have the thoughts and the time but they don’t have the drive to type or write. Well, I on the other hand has a weird functioning brain that is extremely different, thought I don’t mind it at all. Even until now, I haven’t have the idea of a post topic. Maybe it’s because thoughts are in and out of my head 24/7. When one gets forgotten, another arises then the forgotten one comes back.

Yes, I know that I have an extremely short span of attention but I actually think in very complicated way too.  Don’t need to tell me that twice.

I have also made a hundred drafts and deleted a thousand more.

Why?

Most are one liners and are extremely a short train of thought. Some are extremely crappy and shit, ramblings such as this. Others too light, too ‘heavy’, or too personal.

I have will say this now that I have my respects to you, readers. It must be a pain to read my posts: my terrible grammar and spelling, the unorganized thoughts, the random moments, maybe too depressing, or too happy. I want to thank you for sticking up with my bipolar ways. Please feel free to comment your own opinions because I, myself, am curious.

I’ll be having  a new thing to post:

  1. Train of Thoughts – to exercise your brain.
  2. Song Lyrics – My own version of a playlist but in just a song (hahahahaha)

So far those are my ideas, I don’t know every when I’d post it. Daily, monthly or every whatsoever days has not been decided. Please bear with me for quite a little while and I’ll go back to my regular posting.

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My Sweet Child

Just close your eyes my sweet child
No one can touch you here
No one can harm you here
No can can judge you here

Just close your eyes my sweet child
I’ve come here to save you
I’ve come here to protect you
I’ve come here to get you

Just close your eyew my sweet child
Never open them again
I’ve gone through what you have
Trust me this way is something better

Just close your eyes my sweet child
Your tears would be no more
Here your scars will be gone
Here you are loved

That’s it my sweet child
Close your eyes
Put that rope around your neck
Take that leap and pain would be no more

That’s it my sweet child
Close your eyes
Aim that gun beside your head
Pull the trigger and pain would be no more

That’s it my sweet child
Close your eyes
Grab a handful of pills in your hand
Swallow them all and pain would be no more

That’s it my sweet child
Close your eyes
Grab a knife and hold it in your hand
Stab yourself in the heart and pain would be no more

That’s it my sweet child
Close your eyes
Breathe in the air left in your lungs
Take that last step and fall then pain would be no more

That’s it my sweet child
Close your eyes
Your pain is no more.