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Hanging On To Dear Life

A great deal of effort exerted to reach a specific goal or to do a specific task is a fulfilling feeling. It’s like the amount of preparation done to climb a mountain is such a hassling task but finally, you’ve reached the top. You then take in the scenery and reminisce everything you’ve done to make it come true. All the stress, the weight of each choice that must be made and all the obstacles you must overcome to reach the top. In the process of all the enjoyment and safety, you carelessly start walking closer and closer to the edge. Soon you then realize you are standing right on the edge.

With the sun shining above you and the wind blowing past you, you have this great idea to just simply look off the edge to see how far you’ve climbed, and so you do. Wrong move. Big mistake. The earth you stand on sudden crumbles under your weight. Soon you reality slowly sinks in… with words going through your mind, regrets and cussing said barely a breath while trying to keep your bearing. The ground then completely collapse and you infuriatingly try your best you grab something, anything just to save your sorry ass. Luckily, you do grab on to a root. With all the strength you have, you try to pull yourself up on safety ground but the effort is futile because it seems as if your hands are slipping from the root. It’s as if you were never meant to dwell too high from the ground, just as birds are constricted to fly to far from the ground.

Blaming your stupid pride, you took the comfort and safety for granted.

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Refusal of Denial

Your soul crying
Your tears falling
Your heart aching

Anger and frustration
Fill your thoughts
Wishing for redemption

Lost in water
Darkness all over
No way of escaping

Slowly you are dying
Help, you’re screaming
Your eyes are dimming

Overwhelmed with pain
Pours blood rain
No way to reign

Control lost over
Nothing to hover
No way to cover

A lost cause yo claim
Recovery you refused to gain

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Cross Road

It’s been an extremely long while since I’ve last really ‘blogged’. Yes, my schedule is still filled with the competitions and ballet performances to practice for. School projects and homework that I just really cram. With everything that’s happened and is happening, I never took the time to sit on my laptop and formally type a post.

God, there’s been so much I’ve been wanting to blog about but my shitty schedule does not cooperate with me. Here are some events that happened over past few days.

  1. MSEP Fieldtrip (MSEP is a program that is provided from my school. It’s a program for those who can pick up faster in math and science subjects.)
  2. Marian Camp (It’s basically a holy day.)
  3. First Time Shipping

And a lot more that I actually forgot. I realized so much over the events. Countless thoughts and ideas passing through my head, most of which I’ve already forgotten. For now I am also disappointed to say that my creative writings skills, fail to arise. I currently have no plans on stories or poems. Well I do have the topics down, I just don’t feel the drive. Do you get me?

Well last, time I’ve announced that I was on my way to recover. Which was great. (Take note: was) Currently, I’m not really sure where I stand. It’s like I stand on ground that can disappear at any moment, just like a crumbling cliff which at any moment may collapse. There was even a time where in I almost relapsed, good thing  I was able to get my shit down and controlled. But I don’t think it would matter if I relapsed or not because right now I don’t think I’m recovering nor do I think I’ve relapsed. So where am I?

As you can see, I am just like a lost sheep roaming around the fields unsure where to go. Now I start to wonder, where  am I heading? What am I doing? Am I still on the road to recovery or a cursed path to relapse?

Where am I going?

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My Sweet Child

Just close your eyes my sweet child
No one can touch you here
No one can harm you here
No can can judge you here

Just close your eyes my sweet child
I’ve come here to save you
I’ve come here to protect you
I’ve come here to get you

Just close your eyew my sweet child
Never open them again
I’ve gone through what you have
Trust me this way is something better

Just close your eyes my sweet child
Your tears would be no more
Here your scars will be gone
Here you are loved

That’s it my sweet child
Close your eyes
Put that rope around your neck
Take that leap and pain would be no more

That’s it my sweet child
Close your eyes
Aim that gun beside your head
Pull the trigger and pain would be no more

That’s it my sweet child
Close your eyes
Grab a handful of pills in your hand
Swallow them all and pain would be no more

That’s it my sweet child
Close your eyes
Grab a knife and hold it in your hand
Stab yourself in the heart and pain would be no more

That’s it my sweet child
Close your eyes
Breathe in the air left in your lungs
Take that last step and fall then pain would be no more

That’s it my sweet child
Close your eyes
Your pain is no more.

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Stay Strong

Stay Strong is what I’ve always said
But in reality I can’t myself
Shame on me
Pathetic I am

How can I simply tell others this?
When I can’t even do it myself
I’m so weak
I’m so disappointing

But I really mean those words
Because I know maybe it is worth
Staying strong for you
Staying strong for the future

Now you ask the future is bleak
Yes I know. I know my dear
But why not try?
Though hard I know you can

Now I shall say
They famous words I do
Stay strong my dear
Because it will get better

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Back On Track

Recently I’ve been slacking off. I am now asking for your forgiveness, it was just that the past few days has been … overwhelming for me. How? Let’s just say a lot has been going on and I’m trying to find ways to cope with it. I am hoping with this next post I’ll be able to be forgiven?

Here I go.

Through the continuation of my ‘Drama Marathon’, I can’t simply say that it was my only problem. Unfortunately, a friend of mine that I’ve met on twitter is currently fighting cancer. Her life was not easy, I’m sure about that. She has nearly died twice yet she miraculously revived each time, and on that same day, my guidance counselor told me that “Miracles happen”. I guess she was right all along, we are just too busy with the unnecessary to notice. Oh, and don’t ask me if waking up each day is a miracle because I, myself, has absolutely no idea what’s the answer to that.

Past few days, I’ve spent it thinking about things. I started being a lot more pessimistic that I was and I thought about a lot of self-harm. I know it’s bad, I’ve been trying not to do so but I just can’t stop. Thing is, when I think, everything because vivid. It’s like I’m there, present in my imagination. I feel what the person feels or I feel the emotions during the event. Yes, I am weird that way. I hope through the bits and pieces of information I’ve given spread out through my post, you’d be able to figure what type/kind of person I am. I also hope that you accept me for who I am not who I am not.

Being the pessimistic me, my life is a bit more complicated than others especially when it comes with my way of thinking. Maybe it’s just my perspective or maybe it’s true, we’ll never know.

With so much things happening, it all starts to overlap each other, it turns into something problematic. I admit that I was so close to giving up with recovery, I was so close to relapsing. But lucky enough, I was able to have this day to think. Now again I shall say, I’ll take it with baby steps, little by little, problem by problem, I will conquer it.

Have you ever felt the feeling of being changed or a change of perspective because of a book or movie? If not, you have yet to find it. For me it was the book “Perks Of Being A Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky.  Perks, as everyone would refer it too, is a very unique book. It does not dwell on romance not like other famous books do, but dwells on another perspective of life. It dwells on a side that is usually hidden because majority of society will not be able to accept. It focuses on a story of a boy, hidden with a name, Charlie. Charlie is a person who’s past is not pleasant. The story revolves on his life as a freshmen. Though in the book nor movie, his past was never mention or describe perfectly but the feelings and the way it has affected him was shown and told. He meets friends who are seniors, Sam and Patrick. With the three of them together with other of their group of friends, it talks about their story. This particular story is very fascinating and very unique. I gladly give my thanks and respect for the author because he was able to write and publish a story with thoughts of it not being able to ‘click’ in the market. I highly recommend to those who have read my post up to this point. Watch it or read it, but I’d prefer you do both.

I’ve never watch the movie until now but it is one of the rare occasions wherein the movie is better than the book itself. Ezra Miller, who portrayed Patrick; Emma Watson, who depicted Sam; and Logan Lerman, who played the role of Charlie. They all embodied the characters very well, or so I may say. I didn’t even see Logan Lerman as ‘the popular actor’ but as Charlie, himself. There are lines from both the move and book that I will always remember:

These words made my heart ache, and it also made me remember words that I have forgotten. It no longer replays in my head but now a few more words have joined in.

With this I can truly say the book and movie of “Perks of Being  Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky has changed me in various ways. This book has changed my perspective in life and has given me hope again, the same hope that I’ve lost but only now greater. I’ll do my best to keep this hope as I continue with my road of recovery that I promise. The road of recovery is very difficult and excruciating but I know it will be worth it.

More Reference:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Perks_of_Being_a_Wallflower
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Perks_of_Being_a_Wallflower_(film)

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A Reason To Continue

Maybe today’s not the day nor will it be tomorrow, but all I’ve got to do is to keep pushing on. I promised this, I promised that. I need to keep those promises because I swore truthfully. I promised to do my best to recover. I promised myself I will keep believing. I promised other that I will stay strong for them. I will not back down easily, no more will I do so. I’ve changed a lot, extremely. Now I need to go back up, face those changes to actually become happy. I will keep trying, I will keep climbing. I have a reason, I need to recover,

Ever since my guidance counselor told me “Aids, when will you stop being depressed?”. Though it may be rude, but she’s right, absolutely right. I’ve gone through a lot in the past which I cannot move on. My anxiety is getting worst for some reason that is yet to be found out. I live in fear at my house not knowing what will happen. I laugh for the wrong reasons because this is how I cope with it. Why? I don’t laugh much because of something I find funny. I tend to laugh because I’m tired, I’ve had enough. Hell, I even laugh when I really want to cry. My friends who are aware that I am depressed keep saying “Oh, look at you. You are getting better”. I just simply laugh and shrug it all off because I know myself that I am not. I don’t really know what’s happening to me anymore but that’s okay. I’ll keep hoping that I’d be able to find out the reason why. That’s life, it’s a continuous search for something that we may never know. Who knows, maybe it’s just really death or maybe whatsoever.

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Her, my guidance counselor, words keep repeating on my mind. “Recovery is a choice”. Every time I think I relapsed words as such come to my head, promises that I’ve sworn to others and myself. In my head, they all repeat, over and over and over and over again. I cry, I get my anxiety attacks but that doesn’t stop me. I won’t let it stop me. I’m currently making my way up the ladder. I know it’s a treacherous climb but I have a feeling it would be worth it.

The reason that I still have not relapsed at this early stage of recovery is because I’ have met people, now my friends, who are actually happy. Both has gone through a lot of shit yet not I look at them, I’m reminded that things do actually get better. But here’s the catch, it is a choice. Recovery is a choice. It is painstakingly hard to stick to but find your drive, a reason to do so. A friend or just simply to become an inspiration. Prove them all wrong. Prove all your demons, nightmares, horrors, ghosts that they’re wrong. Prove them that you are better than getting sucked in their flow. You have your own flow. We all do! We just need to find it and make it our own. 20131017-182322.jpgDepression and sadness is not a path but a downfall. We should not let this stop us. There is much more in life, much, much more. We just need to see with our eyes. Maybe right now you can’t, maybe tomorrow you won’t but I promise you you will find it. Don’t easily give up though you’ve had enough. Find strength in friends, may they be internet or in real life, they will support you. They will always be there, I will always be here.

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Now I started to believe in the things I’ve used to. I’ve found a drive, a reason to continue, a reason to recover. In my head the promises I’ve sworn to myself and to others, the words that my guidance counselor said. Recovery is a choice, a choice that I have chosen. I will not easily back down and give up. I will have faith in myself. I do not know what to expect nor know what will I go through but I am sure, it is no easy path.

Recovery is a choice I’ve chosen.

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